This morning I wanted to rewind the clock. Normally I look forward to Mondays. We have a routine, everyone goes to preschool and school and I spend the morning with Jackson. Today, I wished it was Sunday and we could stay in our pjs and watch movies all day. I dreaded the drop off; I did not want to send my first grader to school.
We lived in CT for 10 years...it is a place I will always refer to as our first home. We have friends that were deeply impacted by the events on Friday and my heart is breaking for them. School is supposed to be fun, exciting and rewarding...and today it was scary even for me.
As I headed out to complete our preschool drop off routine, I wondered how many other parents were feeling the same way. We told Aly in the shortest and most toned down version we could possibly think of...but we wanted her to hear it from us and to ask the questions in the safety of our house. I held her on Friday night as she calmly listed all of our family friends in CT and asked if they were okay. We cried for the families that were affected, the lives that are forever changed, and the children that will not be home for the holidays.
After I had dropped off Aly and headed to the high school, I drove past her school. There was a police officer in front of the building. As I pulled up to the high school, there were three officers right out front.. I could not help feeling sad, that I was secretly glad they were there and the comfort that they provided. Why? Why has it come to needing police officers at our schools for a sense of security. As I dropped the last child off, I sat in the parking lot and cried.
Normally, I cherish the this time to get stuff done and to rejuvenate from my parenting duties.. but I find myself longing for them to be home with me. As I headed to physical therapy, I exchanged texts with a dear college friend who is a teacher. The were on lock down, in the corner with all of her students, awaiting news that their building was safe....and a police officer finally unlocked the classroom. When does this end?
I want my kids to embrace going to school, to love learning, and to believe that there are lots of good people. I hope that we can heal and grow and embrace the joys of the holidays...but right now I will wait for the familiar sound of the school bus coming up the hill.